First day on the Master Cleanse

I'm excited!

Yesterday had gone pretty smoothly (Green Juice, raw yummy salad, blueberries, cashew nut juice and a mango) up until dinner when all hell broke loose and that desperate "Last Meal" feeling drove me to not one, not two, but THREE restaurants in a row to satisfy a binge on yummy and fancy - but still SAD - dishes and assorted wine and cocktails. Needless to say, I bellied up to my apartment feeling guilty, heavy and mad at myself (and $80 poorer!) and threw everything up. So I had some watermelon as my last actual bite of solid food before bed, along with some laxative tea and fell asleep wishing for the strength to stay the course on the Master Cleanse.

I've had the Salt Water Flush mix over an hour ago (disgusting and nauseating), and still no BM. I certainly hope it happens before I leave for work! How embarrassing would it be to have to run to the bathroom in the middle of a session with a client...

I am bringing all my lemons, maple syrup and agave and cayenne with me to work, and plan to go to Bed Bath & Beyond right afterwards to purchase a scale and maybe a blender as well so I can make lemonade slushies to break up the monotony of the cleanse. 

Wish me luck today on my first day!

Love to all,

Gala

Hello Everybody!

So this is my first post... I am a little nervous, as this means I am ACTUALLY committing to this - to sharing my hopes and struggles, failures and achievements with the blogosphere.

For the past ten years, there have been less than a handful of days that I haven't engaged in eating disorder behaviors (restricting, fasting, bingeing, purging,... you name it), self-mutilating or, more recently, drinking. The only times I have been been able to put a stop to these behaviors were when I was hospitalized or in inpatient programs - which total up to about a full year of being cooped up behind closed doors and being monitored 24/7.

This is not a life.

I want children, a husband, a career, friends, happiness, peace of mind... going dancing, eating out in restaurants, traveling, laughing... a life worth living.

You may ask, why now? Why raw foods?

I actually was raw for almost a whole year a couple of years ago after my last hospitalization. I had come out of the brutal inpatient treatment 40lbs heavier than when I had come in (which, of course, is the whole idea, being anorexic and all), and absolutely miserable not only because of the weight, but because of the food they had forced me to eat to get to that weight. It was plate after plate of burgers, cheese, fries, heavy pastas (things I didn't even eat before I was anorexic!)... more than 6'000 calories a day, without counting the tube-feeding. I felt utterly unhealthy and disgusting.

The apartment I moved into right after treatment turned out to be only a few blocks away from Pure Food & Wine in New York City. I was intrigued by the whole concept of raw foods and "uncooking", and after a few bites of their now-legendary lasagna, I knew I had found a way. I soon became a regular, bought their cookbook, and started living the raw life almost overnight. I discovered a lot of wonderful raw places around town, and invested in a dehydrator, juicer, high-powered blender, etc... Finally, I wasn't afraid of food any more! It was all pure, raw, fresh and... "innocent".

The idyll lasted over six months. Then, after having regained confidence in myself, I started finally making friends. And going out with friends. And drinking with friends. And eating with friends. So excited by this new turn in my life (eating disorders, and particularly anorexia, can make you quite asocial), I didn't dare to say no to one more drink, one more invitation to dinner, one more bite of this or that. I was afraid I was going to lose it all. Instead, I regained all the weight healthily lost through raw foods, and the sensation of power and confidence I had worked so hard to build. Soon, I ended back up into a vicious cycle of starving myself, drinking instead of eating, bingeing and purging in secret...

I cannot take this any more. Sooner or later, I will have to suffer the consequences of years of abuse on my body, and I don't want to risk not being able to bear children.

Also, I want that feeling back: of taking care of myself, nurturing my health, feeding myself properly body and soul. I just came back from the dentist for a root canal and two crowns put in because of all the damage caused by the eating disorder over the years. My bill tops $6'000. I CANNOT do this to myself any more.

So, here's the challenge I am going to put myself through to get back to a healthy, natural, raw food lifestyle - to finally put an end to these years of self-destruction:

• Starting this Saturday, I will follow a 10-day Master Cleanse (maybe longer if I can manage), followed by 
• two days of just Green Juices and fruit, and then 
• a whole week of reintroduction to nuts, seeds, young Thai coconut and dried fruit.

Tomorrow I will only have Green Juices, coconut water, cashew nut milk and fruit (probably a gorgeous papaya!) in order to prepare for the fast.

I know it may sound very counter-productive for a recovering anorexic to be going on a cleanse, but I really feel the need of having a "clean slate" before trying the raw food lifestyle again.

As a commitment to health, I will only feed myself the most beautiful, juicy, freshest foods around and celebrate myself and Nature.

Please wish me luck on my journey! I will update daily and figure out how to post pictures over the weekend...

Love to all - we are all unique.

Gala